All the music that I’ve posted thus far has been Third Eye Blind. As much as this appears obsessive, it actually is more indicative of how Jenkin’s music has influenced me to write. Having been introduced to them through my friend Tim in the early days of my musical coming of age, much of their music put seeds in my mind even in my teens. I found myself in that time of my life starting to think deeply about all that lay before me in this life. I found the thoughts that grew inside me, listening to Third Eye Blind, would stir a melancholy that I could not put my finger on.

There are so many existential things that Jenkin’s hit’s on the head - as all inspired lyrics do. But his embodied for me, a step into a world where there was nothing fixed, no Northern Star.

These are some of the reasons why these writings, these thoughts have been triggered by Third Eye Blind’s art (and why I’ve been posting their songs exclusively thus far). The character Stephan in some ways personifies those lyrics and songs for me. He personifies many thoughts, conversations, feelings, and happenings in my life as well. But they all sort of find their home together with these Third Eye Blind tracks and memories of growing up, memories of reflecting on life.

August 8/02

I know not what will become of me in the days ahead.
I just know that one day, I will end.

August 6/99

I love you.
It’s the only thing I know at all.
The only thing that exists in me.

August 7/02

All through the heat of those months returning back from school… I yearned.
It became clear even to you in your blitheness. You were so reluctant.
It made me desire, hurt, envy - all the more.
I was left with longing and nothing else.

You relented as the autumn fell upon us.
My desire fell upon you like leaves fall upon cold ground as everything dies.

The light glanced down your face that afternoon.
We’d spent the morning inside one another,
and I still felt so alone.

I didn’t know you - you were like everyone now.
So alien to me.

And the desire, sadness was like a sickness pulsing through my veins. Walking in the bright, cooling October air, late afternoon dusk seeped darkness into the trees, leaves, and grass of the densely forested park. This walk made me more sure of how lifeless my moments had become.

August 6/02

‘99. FIrst year had ended and April began bring forth and bud.
As the sun grew warmer, longing grew stronger within me.
I suffered through all your smiles that summer.
The joy, the bright in your eyes caused me to breathe in a sullen sadness,
with every glance.
Your unaware, your carefree, floating soul enslaved my mind for days at a time.
The spirit descended. The cloud did not - would not leave.
I feel it’s presence even still.
Every night I could only feel your absence.
Every moment with you envy, greened through my veins - bittering the thoughts, poisoning the heart.

Desire…
You possessed me.

My Time In Exile - Third Eye Blind

Sept 18/03

I know I am going to die.
I AM GOING TO DIE!
I’m face to face with this fact now.
All those smiling faces, those happy families reflecting the sun - they are so unaware of all that I am aware.
So ignorant.
This short life burns away so quickly.
Smoke.
Ash.
Remembrance.
Dissipates.

Bringing the exit closer, the end sooner no longer shivers me.
Maragret said to me yesterday, “What’s happened to you since those days in high school back home?”
“You used to live so carefree, so careless!”
“Then something happened…”
“What happened Stephan?”

I know exactly what fucking happened!
I thought…
I questioned…
I don’t think she’d even understand what began and how I got here.
Like all the others, she’d say, “I’ve lost my mind.”
But really in all this thinking, I’ve lost my meaning.

They’d say: “I’ve dug too deep…”
“Why don’t you just let it all be…”
Then I would find peace in apathy, bliss in ignorance.
As if that hasn’t been my “soul”, my sole pursuit since I’ve realized the real truth of reality.
As if, every night hasn’t been a desire to feel, to live, to love - to be.
But how can I be without meaning?

And all these words, these concepts of “feeling”, “living”, “loving”, “being”. They are all construct of human consciousness longing for hope, for existence, for meaning.
The desire to “transcend” the truth.
All an illusion.

Absurdity, suffering, death - that is our lot.
And we are fools to assert anything other.

June 5/08

Driving west on a lonesome highway in the desert of Nevada.
I’d always wanted to travel when I was young, but now…
Now there is nowhere to be.
There is no destination.
No exit.

All the sights, all the plans are just pixels in my cerebrum.
Electrical impulses pulsing through the grey matter behind my eyes.
All the plans, all the places, the hopes of youth faded as my heart came to know the chimera of reality.
Of hope.
Of “love”.

June 6/08

1,000.
Miles.
Alone.
Driving.
Nevada.
Desert.
Air.
Deserted.
Soul.
Stranded.
Darkness.

Spirit.
Crowley.
Possesses.
Tonight.
Demon.
Grinning.
Minds.
Eye.